“When we finally broke up, I found it difficult to break out of the habit of picking up my phone and simply asking, “How was your day?”, because I realized we are no longer together and I may no longer ask you such things.”—
Ideas I live by… Listen to the thoughts of others. Follow a true passion. Kindness will lead you far, but it shouldn’t be done for a gain. The best things happen to those who take risks. Sit down and complete a task diligently. Remember to play. Read. Read. Read. Write. Talk to those that are wiser in years. Be humble and let your work speak for itself. Travel. Take care of your body. Feed your soul with art. Stick to a schedule, but also take a detour when it suits your happiness. Respect yourself; do not let anyone disrespect you. Lift others up. Share your dreams. Volunteer. Meet people and make true connections. Value education. Value kindness more. Try to gain an understanding of all sorts of lifestyles. Be open to change.
It’s not perfect here, but I love you because I simply do. Every cobble stoned ebbing pathway, every bridge towering magnificently over the flowing rivers, every giant brushing against the midnight sky lighting up the twinkling milky way, every changing of the beat drifting from multiple ajar bar doors, every gusting of wind whirling down the snow swirling streets, every warm wrapping weather of summer brings a paining joy into the hearts of those dwelling here.
The beauty of isolation and the of pleasure unity hitting you at all once.
Erica just landed the dream job; she lives in 1D, but she will be moving out to her new apartment after this news.
James is picking up his broken soul next door after the phone call; he’s in the penthouse.
Charlene is closing her eyes to rest for one last time; she’s had a life of love and family in the ivy engulfed house down the block.
It scares me that the world is so small. I ran into her on the train as she was about to run off to dance covered in body paint. Today I find out that you were there to judge and watch. Why does god do these things?
“7 weeks since our first date…
He asked if we are in love and after some thought I said yes because according to Wikipedia we fit the definition of love like a glove. Tonight I was reminded that its been only 7 weeks since the first date… Only 7 weeks….”—
DO YOU EVER GET SUCH A NICE MESSAGE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND AND YOU KEEP REWRITING YOUR REPLY BECAUSE YOU CAN’T ARTICULATE THE GRATITUDE YOU FEEL FOR IT AND HOW MUCH LOVE YOU FEEL FOR THE PERSON WHO SENT IT AND YOU JUST
“Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy on life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he’s taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment–just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!–an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire.”—Ayn Rand
Last night I had a dream that I was a little drunk and I met some of his friends. We were getting along well. We all ended up at my house. There were two twin sized beds and I was passing out. The girls decided to take one bed. He mentions something about having a boyfriend and even as I am passing out I manage to tell him clearly that I do not have a boyfriend. He seems surprised about this. He then crawled into bed with me. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt and he hugged me as I sleep on my side. What a nice dream to wake up from.
My conversation with a Yale grad. He was accepted to every Ivy League, and is currently at one of the top occupations in Microsoft.
Him:I know right now, everything seems so unfair. You need to study, all to get compared with other people. Your future is dependent mostly on whether you go to this school, major in this thing, receive this much money, or get this job. I know. I was there, I was you. Studying my ass off for an easier life. You're told that everything right now is the most important, that you need to get As, go to a great college, have an amazing job, generate immense revenue, therefore become happy. But, there's just on thing that I failed to understand. And let me tell you, there are barely any things that I do not understand. Yet, I have no idea why I'm not happy. From a young age, you're told to take these steps and if you succeed, you'll reach happiness. It's not true. I've done every step every mother would tell her child to do, to become, but here I am, unhappy. After many years of trying to find where I went wrong, I realized that I had been looking in the completely wrong place.
Me:Then where do you look?
Him:At your friends. Your relationships. Your family. Your coworkers, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your social life. Many of the richest men in the world aren't happy, why? Because they spent all their lives trying to achieve happiness in the wrong place. You have a ton of money, great. But in the end, we're all sitting in our rocking chairs, and nobody cares who had the most money or who went to the best college. It's about who had the most fun. Who had the most people to look after them, who had the most to look after. The happiest are the ones that have people to call in times of trouble, the ones that had the time to spend with their family and feel all that love. That's what people lack! Love. When you're on your deathbed, everything doesn't matter anymore you see. You'd want people that love you to be around you, to be comforting you, to tell you about all the great things you did for people. You don't want to be alone, with what? A degree? Cash that will never be used? Nobody ever says "wow, I went to a great college and therefore I'm satisfied" in the end. Only the lucky ones get to say "wow, I was surrounded by love my whole life. My time on this earth was beautiful."
Him:But you know, I'm not telling you not to get into a great college or not to do any of the things society tells you to. Go for it, it pays off! It doesn't give you happiness but it takes a lot of stress off your shoulders. All I'm saying is don't make it your everything. If you don't get in somewhere good, don't stress about it. As long as you're okay with the people around you, you're going to be fine. I'm sure of it. Priorities change in the end. We're only people.
"Because it’s not the disappointments that stick, but the nights and afternoons and the few remarkable mornings on Christopher Street, on Bleecker, on Bowery, on Tenth Avenue, on University Place, on East 92nd Street, on Vanderbilt, on St. Mark’s, at Washington Square. Because every corner of the city is cobbled with her footsteps and haunted by your younger ghosts. Because even her body is a rune
, an internal sunshine with a wry mouth that has warmed yours once, twice, forever. And no, maybe you can’t say that all of these beauties, with their individual pains and perfections and aspirations and agendas, occupy a greater cumulative space than the absences — but maybe the trick is that they weigh more. Maybe they weigh a lot more.” by Amelia Edelman
I don’t know if he’s evil or just truly sad and dying inside.
If he was evil I would feel better about it. My anger would be justified if he truly is a sociopath, but the compassionate foolish part of me wonders if he is just sad inside.
I feel terrible thinking that he might just be alone and sad. I feel terrible thinking that he might have came back after all this time because he felt like I was someone that made him feel a bit of comfort and safety. I was always kind and gentle with him. I wonder if my words were too harsh. I wonder if my anger shocked him. I wonder if he never expected to hear me say such things.
Did he really miss me after a year? Or he is just a sociopath playing with my head?
I noticed that he blocked me again. It took him 3 days after the conversation for him to block me. It makes me feel sad that he put thought into the situation again. He had to think about it and realize that I will never again be there for him.
I guess I always was aware that he was fucked up in the head, but I didn’t know how fucked up. I had a bit of faith in him, but somethings are unforgivable. There are just some lines that should never be crossed.
I love Professor R. He has wispy thin hair, which provides him with a classic midlife bald spot, and a pudgy stomach that rests above short thin legs. He is always so easy to talk to; the man is dorkishly friendly, patiently polite and humbly knowledgeable. He is the quintessential caring park slope daddy to a little boy and girl of mixed korean and white blood. And thanks to his fatherly duties he cancelled class for Halloween! (btw I’m helping Kamar make his costume this year… static shock!)
Today he stayed after class with me for half an hour to talk to me about my narrative. He loved what I wrote. I just loved him for understanding it; I didn’t think anyone would. He understood the subtle gestures and the way the characters interacted. He said it made him miss youth and I did a great job of capturing reality. He also used my story for in his class today as an example! My writing was projected in big bold letters on the screen and it ran through my head, “Oh, no! Please don’t share my writing! Oh, no! What’s wrong with it?”. Turns out I should have been thinking, “Yay me!”
We hashed through it to refine it, which is usually a horrid and painful process with most professors or peers, but with Professor R. we identified the same flaws and understood exactly what the story needed. It wasn’t a fight against each other. It was us fighting together to make the story better. I just pray that one day I’ll be this kind of a teacher.
I also got to watch Edger teach as an adjunct professor today. I sat down right in front of his desk and every time he made eye contact with me it was hard for both of us not to burst into laughter. I guess although we are growing up and have “grown up jobs” a little part of us feels like we are acting the role of a grown up or maybe it’s funny because it feels surreal for us.
I’m reading a book called, “Conversations With God” and it says that everything bad that exists is because we want it to exist. We let it exist and that for goodness to be experienced badness has to exist. We wouldn’t be able to understand the experience of good if the badness did not exist.
So, it makes me wonder, is there so much hurt and evil being thrown at me because to reach my ultimate level of goodness I must have the bad exist? I see myself as a pure soul, but I have trial after trial thrown at me. Is it so I can fight these trials and get to the self-realization of the goodness in me? And maybe it’s harder for me because there is so much goodness. The more good there is, the more bad that has to exist in its opposition.
Is the purity of one’s soul the factor that determines how tumultuous our battles are in life?