“Life, with its rules, its obligations, and its freedoms, is like a sonnet: You’re given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself.”—Madeleine L’Engle, A Wrinkle in Time (via daisydandelions)
“Mamihlapinatapai: is a word from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the “most succinct word”, and is considered one of the hardest words to translate. It refers to “a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.”—
“you know how people say they don’t care about what other people think? Well i HONESTLY don’t care. That’s why I’m so open/crazy/free. I can be studious, I can be a party child, I can be a mom, I can be a baby. I can’t be labeled, I can’t be put in a box. IM DOWN TO JUST BE ME. I’ll do what I want, the way I want and frankly it’s because I know the only person’s thoughts that matter are my own. (disclaimer: I love my friends and their input and ideas are always important)”—jan
Gotta finish my student teaching portfolio and get my lesson plans done.
Going to a Prada party at the met museum on Tuesday.
Life is really headed my way
I wish I was spending more time with you. I wish I could tell you that I miss you. You hit me up the other day and said that we should hang out. I said “aw, sure”. Yea, I guess I’m trying to hold back a little. Don’t wanna get wrapped up in a world of you again.
It is May 11, 2012. I just woke up from a dream by bursting out in tears. I reached up and felt them went on my cheeks and I felt my heart shaking.
It started off at Fahima’s house. I was helping her sister put on a sari. (I have no clue how to put one on but in the dream I did). Her sis and mother was were making were talking to be like usual.
I ended up as an audience member at a talk show. I’m not sure exactly what it was, but it was a classy/trendy event. Very devils wears prada. Looks like they were having a lot of fun together.
I was working at a magazine. I had my own desk and everyone loved me.
I’m with Kamar on an adventure. He shares his drank with me.
I saw a new young couple have their first kiss. It their perfect moment came and went and i felt a tinge in my heart. They can never get that first kiss back.
I at Brooklyn Tech with some friends. We were all just sitting around when Principal A**** came up to my friends and told them that he wouldn’t be able to pay the 70 dollars he owes them from the bet they made the other day. My friends were disappointed but they said, “Ok” and he walked away. But I jumped up and asked them what was going on. They explained to me that they had made a bet with Asher and he lost but now he wasn’t going to be able to pay it back because the school budget was too low. “What do you mean there is no money in the budget?” I’m going to talk to him. They urge me not to and that its not a big deal. I said, “If you guys lost, then you guys would be REQUIRED to pay up the money. I’m gonna talk to him.”
I start off confronting, “What do you mean there is no money in the budget?”
He explains in a calm and quick manner that we ran out of money and hurries away to another table of students.
I run after him and hear him saying the same story to those students. Again, I confront him, “Why are you using budget money to pay back a simple bet with your students? Shouldn’t this money be coming from your pocket?”
Again he avoids me.
Now I make a scene. I burst out crying, and yell, “I love this school and there is no way that I am letting you take money away from the school”
Other teachers came into the room to ask what the problem was. And I continued crying and explaining what was happening.They all turned their heads to look at him. He was exposed.
I sometimes look at pictures that I took of us years ago. I miss having someone that makes me as happy as you did. I remember it was raining outside and I really wanted to have a picnic so we had one on the living room floor. You wore your boxers and I hardly wore anything at all. I never knew it would be so hard to find someone to replace you. It was one of the simplest and happiest times of my life, thanks for the memories.
“Jan was back in the game! Pure, raw, explosive pleasure! Better than
drugs, better than smack! Better than a
… Better than sex, head, 69, orgies, masturbation, tantrism, Kama Sutra
or Thai doggy-style! Better than banana milkshakes! Better than George
Lucas’s trilogy, the muppets and 2001! Better than Emma Peel, Marilyn,
Lara Croft and Cindy Crawford’s beauty mark! Better than the B-side to
Abbey Road, Jimmy Hendrix and the first man on the moon! Space Mountain,
Santa Claus, Bill Gates’ fortune, the Dalai Lama, Lazarus raised from
the dead! Schwarzenegger’s testosterone shots, Pam Anderson’s lips!
Woodstock, raves… Better than Sade, Rimbaud, Morrison and Castaneda!
Better than freedom, better than life!”—
I just had a conversation with an old friend from hs that I haven't talked to in 4 years. In his mind I still exist as the 17 year old Jan. I really have forgotten who I am. I forgot what it's like to walk down the hall way and have boys swoon. I forgot what its like to feel sexy and be unattainable. I forgot what it's like to not have a broken heart. Somewhere in between my heart getting crush and all the work I forgot who I am. I'M THE SWEET PRETTY FUNNY POPULAR GIRL! It really meant a lot to hear his kind words and have him remind me of the shadows of who I am.
Inder:ur not crazy ur da efffffing bomb
tell that to the guys that cheat one me
and reject me
theyre fucking idiots
have no idea wat they got
Inder:man you were the prettiest girl in highschool
Inder:wat kind of idiots did u start hanging out with?
Inder:ughhhh all the beautiful girls meet retards
Jan:no ones betters come around
i really miss hs me
i dont feel sexy anymore
i got crushed
u dont feel sexy anymore? r u kidddding
ur the girl who wud get up in class n all eyes wud b on ur bum
ud walk in n wed follow it till u sat down
i dont think that happens anymore
its like the min i like someone back
they dont like me anymore
Inder:im sorry its the way it is
i really am
i never imagined it this way for you
i honestly thought u wud always get wat u want
n u wud have alredy found that perfect guy
the pretty girls always get snatched up first
and then pretty AND fun to be around?
you shudnt be single for a SECOND
Jan:u saying these things reminds me that I really have forgotten who i am
“Six seconds passed, and then he growled, “No, but what you respond to in any work of art is the artist’s struggle against his or her limitations.”—Kurt Vonnegut, from A Man Without a Country (thanks, flowerpickingrobot)
I think one of the reasons I didn’t go into business is because I knew that selfishness is part of the game. In teaching there is no cheating, no easy way. I come in everyday, I share knowledge and get paid for my time. There is no lying to anyone or stabbing anyone to get ahead.
EINSTEIN:Do you believe in the Divine as isolated from the world?
TAGORE:Not isolated. The infinite personality of Man comprehends the Universe. There cannot be anything that cannot be subsumed by the human personality, and this proves that the Truth of the Universe is human Truth.
I have taken a scientific fact to explain this — Matter is composed of protons and electrons, with gaps between them; but matter may seem to be solid. Similarly humanity is composed of individuals, yet they have their interconnection of human relationship, which gives living unity to man’s world. The entire universe is linked up with us in a similar manner, it is a human universe. I have pursued this thought through art, literature and the religious consciousness of man.
EINSTEIN:There are two different conceptions about the nature of the universe: (1) The world as a unity dependent on humanity. (2) The world as a reality independent of the human factor.
TAGORE:When our universe is in harmony with Man, the eternal, we know it as Truth, we feel it as beauty.
EINSTEIN:This is the purely human conception of the universe.
TAGORE:There can be no other conception. This world is a human world — the scientific view of it is also that of the scientific man. There is some standard of reason and enjoyment which gives it Truth, the standard of the Eternal Man whose experiences are through our experiences.
EINSTEIN:This is a realization of the human entity.
TAGORE:Yes, one eternal entity. We have to realize it through our emotions and activities. We realized the Supreme Man who has no individual limitations through our limitations. Science is concerned with that which is not confined to individuals; it is the impersonal human world of Truths. Religion realizes these Truths and links them up with our deeper needs; our individual consciousness of Truth gains universal significance. Religion applies values to Truth, and we know this Truth as good through our own harmony with it.
EINSTEIN:Truth, then, or Beauty is not independent of Man?
EINSTEIN:If there would be no human beings any more, the Apollo of Belvedere would no longer be beautiful.
EINSTEIN:I agree with regard to this conception of Beauty, but not with regard to Truth.
TAGORE:Why not? Truth is realized through man.
EINSTEIN:I cannot prove that my conception is right, but that is my religion.
TAGORE:Beauty is in the ideal of perfect harmony which is in the Universal Being; Truth the perfect comprehension of the Universal Mind. We individuals approach it through our own mistakes and blunders, through our accumulated experiences, through our illumined consciousness — how, otherwise, can we know Truth?
EINSTEIN:I cannot prove scientifically that Truth must be conceived as a Truth that is valid independent of humanity; but I believe it firmly. I believe, for instance, that the Pythagorean theorem in geometry states something that is approximately true, independent of the existence of man. Anyway, if there is a reality independent of man, there is also a Truth relative to this reality; and in the same way the negation of the first engenders a negation of the existence of the latter.
TAGORE:Truth, which is one with the Universal Being, must essentially be human, otherwise whatever we individuals realize as true can never be called truth – at least the Truth which is described as scientific and which only can be reached through the process of logic, in other words, by an organ of thoughts which is human. According to Indian Philosophy there is Brahman, the absolute Truth, which cannot be conceived by the isolation of the individual mind or described by words but can only be realized by completely merging the individual in its infinity. But such a Truth cannot belong to Science. The nature of Truth which we are discussing is an appearance – that is to say, what appears to be true to the human mind and therefore is human, and may be called maya or illusion.
EINSTEIN:So according to your conception, which may be the Indian conception, it is not the illusion of the individual, but of humanity as a whole.
TAGORE:The species also belongs to a unity, to humanity. Therefore the entire human mind realizes Truth; the Indian or the European mind meet in a common realization.
EINSTEIN:The word species is used in German for all human beings, as a matter of fact, even the apes and the frogs would belong to it.
TAGORE:In science we go through the discipline of eliminating the personal limitations of our individual minds and thus reach that comprehension of Truth which is in the mind of the Universal Man.
EINSTEIN:The problem begins whether Truth is independent of our consciousness.
TAGORE:What we call truth lies in the rational harmony between the subjective and objective aspects of reality, both of which belong to the super-personal man.
EINSTEIN:Even in our everyday life we feel compelled to ascribe a reality independent of man to the objects we use. We do this to connect the experiences of our senses in a reasonable way. For instance, if nobody is in this house, yet that table remains where it is.
TAGORE:Yes, it remains outside the individual mind, but not the universal mind. The table which I perceive is perceptible by the same kind of consciousness which I possess.
EINSTEIN:If nobody would be in the house the table would exist all the same — but this is already illegitimate from your point of view — because we cannot explain what it means that the table is there, independently of us.
Our natural point of view in regard to the existence of truth apart from humanity cannot be explained or proved, but it is a belief which nobody can lack — no primitive beings even. We attribute to Truth a super-human objectivity; it is indispensable for us, this reality which is independent of our existence and our experience and our mind — though we cannot say what it means.
TAGORE:Science has proved that the table as a solid object is an appearance and therefore that which the human mind perceives as a table would not exist if that mind were naught. At the same time it must be admitted that the fact, that the ultimate physical reality is nothing but a multitude of separate revolving centres of electric force, also belongs to the human mind.
In the apprehension of Truth there is an eternal conflict between the universal human mind and the same mind confined in the individual. The perpetual process of reconciliation is being carried on in our science, philosophy, in our ethics. In any case, if there be any Truth absolutely unrelated to humanity then for us it is absolutely non-existing.
It is not difficult to imagine a mind to which the sequence of things happens not in space but only in time like the sequence of notes in music. For such a mind such conception of reality is akin to the musical reality in which Pythagorean geometry can have no meaning. There is the reality of paper, infinitely different from the reality of literature. For the kind of mind possessed by the moth which eats that paper literature is absolutely non-existent, yet for Man’s mind literature has a greater value of Truth than the paper itself. In a similar manner if there be some Truth which has no sensuous or rational relation to the human mind, it will ever remain as nothing so long as we remain human beings.
EINSTEIN:Then I am more religious than you are!
TAGORE:My religion is in the reconciliation of the Super-personal Man, the universal human spirit, in my own individual being.